Taped Stories #5:
Thinking back to when I was a child. I never knew or thought that what they did was wrong. I thought it was normal and I thought that it was a sign of affection. I didn’t know how to react at the time. The reason why I never thought or knew anything was wrong because kids are simple and complicated. They are happy, then sad, then mad, and then happy once again. Kids forget things easily; letting it slide. Yes, kids forget easily, but it affects them deeply and subconsciously.
When it first happened, I was at the age of probably 5 or 6. It was someone related to me. She was older by probably 5 years. I went over to her house for sleep overs and that’s when she would touch me. I was confused. I didn’t know how to react but she told me to keep it a secret. I remember coming home and wanting to tell my sisters but was afraid of them mocking me. I was afraid that they would call me a big mouth and so I wanted to prove to them that I could keep secrets. I wasn’t a kid.
I remember not wanting to go to her house anymore. I didn’t know why but I just had a bad feeling and I didn’t like what happens when I go over. But now that I’m thinking about it, it was probably my instincts telling me that what she’s doing to me is wrong. I was always a push over and so she would guilt trip me to going. I was so afraid to say no that I would want to cry but I would say yes anyways. Sometimes I would tell my mom to tell her that I can’t go over but to not tell her that I said that. I was afraid of how she would react.
When she has given up on me, I would have a sense of relief wash over me. It was like I could breathe once again.
During this time, there was another person who had done similar stuff to me. It was another relative. He was probably 6 or 7 years older than me. Because he is a relative, my siblings, cousins, and I would go over to his house a lot. With him, I was more afraid. He was older and stronger. His personality is rough and scary.
These memories are so dull and blurry that I don’t know what did happen and what didn’t.
I remember playing house with him and my other cousins. It was rare for him to want to play with us so we were all happy. In house, we were sleeping because it was night time. He slept next to the wall, I slept in the middle and his younger brother slept at the edge of the bed. We were all pretending to sleep and wait for morning to come.
I felt his hand reach for my butt. I froze in fear. I felt something warm in between my butt cheeks. I wanted to cry. I remember my hands shaking and asking his younger brother to move over but he couldn’t anymore because he was at the edge.
I remember his other brother (who was also playing house with us) coming to knock on the door saying that it was time to get up. I got up quickly and tried to leave but he said that it wasn’t time yet. It’s still time for us to sleep. We went back to bed and the same thing happened to me. This time I got fed up with is. I turned around and saw his face. He gave me a smirk and I got really scared. I got up and told them that it was morning time. He told me to come back to the bed. At this time, I’m sure that the younger brother had no idea of what was going on. I didn’t want to play anymore. But I was afraid of saying no to the game. I went back up and the same thing happened. But this time, it was different. Something was a bit different… I got up and told them that I will sleep on the ground. He was fine with that, I wondered why.
Now that I think back I know why the third time was different and why he didn’t refuse me. He had cum in between my butt cheeks. As a kid, I didn’t know and I just didn’t want to think of it anymore.
There was another time when we were in another relative’s house. I was in one of the rooms hanging out with his brother. He came in and his brother left. I don’t know why but he stared at me creepily. If I remember correctly, he got onto the bed and I froze with fear. I didn’t know what to do or say. I told him that I wanted to leave but he asked me why. I said that I wanted to follow his brother but he told me to forget his brother. I was scared and tried to get out as fast as I could. Because I was a child that couldn’t say no, I needed to get out fast so that he wouldn’t be able to request of anything from me.
Luckily, his brother came back and asked what was going on. At this point, his brother was my hero. I pushed him aside and got out as fast as I could. I felt so uncomfortable in that house. I remember feeling sick to my stomach.
Dream or Reality?
I can’t tell if this was a dream or reality but it was another of my relatives. He was probably also 5 to 6 years older than me. I was playing hide and go seek with his sisters who were 2 to 3 years older than me. For some reason his relative was really kind to me and he helped me hide. We hid in his closet and tried to touch me. I moved around knowing that this was a bad thing to do. He told me to be quiet or else his sisters will find us.
Yes, his sisters found us and told their mom of what happened. Their mom lectured him and he felt remorseful. The sisters asked if I was okay and I pretended that I was okay. Because I felt bad for him. I didn’t want him to be embarrassed and I didn’t want to continue this embarrassment any longer. I just want to play hide and seek.
When my family moved to a new town, I was sad to leave my school, friends, and cousins but as I grew up. I realized that it was a great decision. I was away from those two disgusting relatives. But little did I know that this relief and safety was going to end.
In the third grade, there was a teacher who taught kids in ELD groups. He seemed like a super nice guy and got along with a lot of the kids. Whenever we go see him during recess, he was always really weird and creepy. I know that I wasn’t the only victim but we couldn’t say anything, we knew that no one would believe us and it was humiliating. We had to bear with it because we also had to respect our teachers.
In that same year, he fondled my left breast right in front of my friend but he did it in a way that no one would see it. He stood on my left and I was on his right. Being smaller and shorter, he did a side hug with his right hand on my right shoulder. My left side was covered by his body and his left hand was behind his back touching my left breast.
I didn’t know what to do. I felt really embarrassed and I knew it was wrong. Well at least it FELT wrong, so I stepped over my embarrassment and I pushed him away. The atmosphere of the room felt awkward and uncomfortable but I quickly told my friend that we should leave because I wanted to go out and play. Luckily, she agreed. I told her when we were far away from his classroom. She said that he had also touched her bottom. We were freaked out and never again came into his classroom if we didn’t have to.
In the fourth grade, I was so relieved to get out of ELD group because I would never have to see him again. Once again, I jinxed myself.
In the fifth grade, I had to stay after school due to my younger brother’s ELD schedule. Some other students my brother’s age was also there but for some reason my mom wanted me to stay with him. I told her many times that I didn’t want to stay but she wouldn’t let me have my way. She told me to stay and watch over my brother. I suspect that she knew what was behind that teacher’s façade but nothing was ever confirmed that she knew what was going on. I always wanted to ask her. But I was afraid and until this day, I have not asked her.
Luckily he did NOT do anything to me while I was watching my brother. I was afraid, so afraid that he would do something to me. I thank the gods, the spirits, the heavenly deities, etc. for helping me. Sometimes I wondered if my little brother was ever touched by him? If my little brother was touched by him, I would kill that teacher. I hate him.
When I graduated out of elementary school I was so relieved. I was so happy that I would never have to come back.
In the eighth grade, I heard that he was arrested, all the memories came back. He was arrested for child molest in Alaska (if I remember correctly). Apparently, he had run away with another woman and they flew to another state together. I remember when the news was delivered I felt free. I was beyond relief. I wanted to scream out the word free. But the fact was that I wasn’t free because no one knew. No one knew that I was a victim.
I remember wondering why all these events happened to me? Why did I have to come across so much bad luck and disgusting acts in my life? Why did I have to feel embarrass? Why does ANYONE have to feel embarrass about being the victim? They are NEVER the one at fault. So why?
Can I tell my parents? Will they hate me? Will they limit my freedom because they are afraid for me? How will they react? Maybe they’ll never know?
What was going on through the minds of those who did this to me? Do they not feel any shame when they see my face now? Because I do, I feel ashamed for them.
I share these stories because I am not embarrassed of them anymore. I share them because I want other little girls and boys, women and men to know that what is going on to them is not right and that they are not alone. I want them to NOT be embarrassed of what has happened to them because it is NOT their fault.” – May 3, 2017