Taped Stories #3

Taped Stories #3:

“I was probably 13-14 years old when it happened. I was infatuated with the boy next door and so I let myself get involved with him sexually. I trusted him and I thought he liked me the way I did for him. I thought maybe all this playing around, messing around, was a way of expressing our feelings. I was naive. I was proven wrong when it turned out that he informed about what he did with me to his friends. He never came out and told me explicitly but I knew he told his friends about me. One night, I hung out with him and his friends and his friend took me to a dark part of the backyard. I got carried away, thinking too naively and innocently. I thought this was just part of flirting, yes. But he tried to force me. When he tried to get me to kiss him and do more, I refused. He tried to force me, pushing me against the wooden fence, trying to pull my pants down. I felt his half-hard dick against my backside, I felt his overwhelming strength and I knew I was too weak to fight back physically. I was terrified and I kept refusing and whispering, “You don’t want to do this, no, please, you don’t want to do this,” but he kept saying, “I know you want this, I know you do this.” I was terrified but I couldn’t scream. That would bring attention to him and his friends, and I didn’t know if they would’ve helped. Luckily, I’m so very lucky, that he let go and didn’t force me any further. But one of the most horrifying parts of this whole thing is that I didn’t even say anything about it afterwards. I couldn’t. I never confronted him or his friends. I was just so ashamed of what happened, how I let myself get carried away, how I let him treat me like trash and pass me around to his friends.” – April 18, 2017

Day 17 Reflection

Today was the third last day. Only 2 more day left on Wednesday and I will have been silent for 19 days with tape over my mouth. I think I been telling people that I only have 1 day left but it’s actually 2. The dates is throwing me off because I started on the 2nd of April and so I would end on the 20th of April. Sometimes, I forget that people are still seeing me for the first time and so they looked like they want to know more but I am not that shy and humble person anymore. I don’t have time to run over and give them a note card anymore. It is bad timing now. If I don’t interact with the people, then it is more likely that I will not give them a card even though they looked curiosity and briefly mentioned it as I walk by.

I realized that when I am alone outside and not walking to places. My fears creep up on me. When I walk, I feel like people will have less time to actually see me and think of cruel ways to harrased me. But if I hung out by the library, waiting for my sister especially at night. I start getting all these crazy imaginations as cars passed by and hearing loud male students talking.

I still find it very humorous as I interact with other fellow students. Earlier, before going to my late class, a student came to talk to me about a group research paper in another class. I was eating a snack and so I didn’t have tape. She talked and I nodded but then I gesture her to text me. And then she said “oh, you can’t talk?” And I nodded. She said she will email me instead and I waved good bye. I guess people didn’t think I will do this for so long. Later that night, I was grabbing some late dinner with a friend. He would say something and if it was a yes or maybe or no question, I would answer. But if it wasn’t, I just text him while he was driving. I waited for a red light to show him but that didn’t work. And so I kept silent. He have told me that he actually enjoyed the quietness of my company.

I am pretty happy that this project is coming towards a closing for my part. Even if people did not share their stories, it is alright. I am just glad I did it this far and of course with many thanks to professors, classmates, mentors, friends and family. I hope I have impacted them in some ways.

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