Taped Stories #5

Taped Stories #5:

“A Secret

Thinking back to when I was a child. I never knew or thought that what they did was wrong. I thought it was normal and I thought that it was a sign of affection. I didn’t know how to react at the time. The reason why I never thought or knew anything was wrong because kids are simple and complicated. They are happy, then sad, then mad, and then happy once again. Kids forget things easily; letting it slide. Yes, kids forget easily, but it affects them deeply and subconsciously.

When it first happened, I was at the age of probably 5 or 6. It was someone related to me. She was older by probably 5 years. I went over to her house for sleep overs and that’s when she would touch me. I was confused. I didn’t know how to react but she told me to keep it a secret. I remember coming home and wanting to tell my sisters but was afraid of them mocking me. I was afraid that they would call me a big mouth and so I wanted to prove to them that I could keep secrets. I wasn’t a kid.

I remember not wanting to go to her house anymore. I didn’t know why but I just had a bad feeling and I didn’t like what happens when I go over. But now that I’m thinking about it, it was probably my instincts telling me that what she’s doing to me is wrong. I was always a push over and so she would guilt trip me to going. I was so afraid to say no that I would want to cry but I would say yes anyways. Sometimes I would tell my mom to tell her that I can’t go over but to not tell her that I said that. I was afraid of how she would react.

When she has given up on me, I would have a sense of relief wash over me. It was like I could breathe once again.

Escape

During this time, there was another person who had done similar stuff to me. It was another relative. He was probably 6 or 7 years older than me. Because he is a relative, my siblings, cousins, and I would go over to his house a lot. With him, I was more afraid. He was older and stronger. His personality is rough and scary.

These memories are so dull and blurry that I don’t know what did happen and what didn’t.

I remember playing house with him and my other cousins. It was rare for him to want to play with us so we were all happy. In house, we were sleeping because it was night time. He slept next to the wall, I slept in the middle and his younger brother slept at the edge of the bed. We were all pretending to sleep and wait for morning to come.

I felt his hand reach for my butt. I froze in fear. I felt something warm in between my butt cheeks. I wanted to cry. I remember my hands shaking and asking his younger brother to move over but he couldn’t anymore because he was at the edge.

I remember his other brother (who was also playing house with us) coming to knock on the door saying that it was time to get up. I got up quickly and tried to leave but he said that it wasn’t time yet. It’s still time for us to sleep. We went back to bed and the same thing happened to me. This time I got fed up with is. I turned around and saw his face. He gave me a smirk and I got really scared. I got up and told them that it was morning time. He told me to come back to the bed. At this time, I’m sure that the younger brother had no idea of what was going on. I didn’t want to play anymore. But I was afraid of saying no to the game. I went back up and the same thing happened. But this time, it was different. Something was a bit different… I got up and told them that I will sleep on the ground.  He was fine with that, I wondered why.

Now that I think back I know why the third time was different and why he didn’t refuse me. He had cum in between my butt cheeks. As a kid, I didn’t know and I just didn’t want to think of it anymore.

There was another time when we were in another relative’s house. I was in one of the rooms hanging out with his brother. He came in and his brother left. I don’t know why but he stared at me creepily. If I remember correctly, he got onto the bed and I froze with fear. I didn’t know what to do or say. I told him that I wanted to leave but he asked me why. I said that I wanted to follow his brother but he told me to forget his brother. I was scared and tried to get out as fast as I could. Because I was a child that couldn’t say no, I needed to get out fast so that he wouldn’t be able to request of anything from me.

Luckily, his brother came back and asked what was going on. At this point, his brother was my hero. I pushed him aside and got out as fast as I could. I felt so uncomfortable in that house. I remember feeling sick to my stomach.

Dream or Reality?

I can’t tell if this was a dream or reality but it was another of my relatives. He was probably also 5 to 6 years older than me. I was playing hide and go seek with his sisters who were 2 to 3 years older than me. For some reason his relative was really kind to me and he helped me hide. We hid in his closet and tried to touch me. I moved around knowing that this was a bad thing to do. He told me to be quiet or else his sisters will find us.

Yes, his sisters found us and told their mom of what happened. Their mom lectured him and he felt remorseful. The sisters asked if I was okay and I pretended that I was okay. Because I felt bad for him. I didn’t want him to be embarrassed and I didn’t want to continue this embarrassment any longer. I just want to play hide and seek.

Bad Luck

When my family moved to a new town, I was sad to leave my school, friends, and cousins but as I grew up. I realized that it was a great decision. I was away from those two disgusting relatives. But little did I know that this relief and safety was going to end.

In the third grade, there was a teacher who taught kids in ELD groups. He seemed like a super nice guy and got along with a lot of the kids. Whenever we go see him during recess, he was always really weird and creepy. I know that I wasn’t the only victim but we couldn’t say anything, we knew that no one would believe us and it was humiliating. We had to bear with it because we also had to respect our teachers.

In that same year, he fondled my left breast right in front of my friend but he did it in a way that no one would see it. He stood on my left and I was on his right. Being smaller and shorter, he did a side hug with his right hand on my right shoulder. My left side was covered by his body and his left hand was behind his back touching my left breast.

I didn’t know what to do. I felt really embarrassed and I knew it was wrong. Well at least it FELT wrong, so I stepped over my embarrassment and I pushed him away. The atmosphere of the room felt awkward and uncomfortable but I quickly told my friend that we should leave because I wanted to go out and play. Luckily, she agreed. I told her when we were far away from his classroom. She said that he had also touched her bottom. We were freaked out and never again came into his classroom if we didn’t have to.

In the fourth grade, I was so relieved to get out of ELD group because I would never have to see him again. Once again, I jinxed myself.

In the fifth grade, I had to stay after school due to my younger brother’s ELD schedule. Some other students my brother’s age was also there but for some reason my mom wanted me to stay with him. I told her many times that I didn’t want to stay but she wouldn’t let me have my way. She told me to stay and watch over my brother. I suspect that she knew what was behind that teacher’s façade but nothing was ever confirmed that she knew what was going on. I always wanted to ask her. But I was afraid and until this day, I have not asked her.

Luckily he did NOT do anything to me while I was watching my brother. I was afraid, so afraid that he would do something to me. I thank the gods, the spirits, the heavenly deities, etc. for helping me. Sometimes I wondered if my little brother was ever touched by him? If my little brother was touched by him, I would kill that teacher. I hate him.

When I graduated out of elementary school I was so relieved. I was so happy that I would never have to come back.

In the eighth grade, I heard that he was arrested, all the memories came back. He was arrested for child molest in Alaska (if I remember correctly). Apparently, he had run away with another woman and they flew to another state together. I remember when the news was delivered I felt free. I was beyond relief. I wanted to scream out the word free. But the fact was that I wasn’t free because no one knew. No one knew that I was a victim.

I remember wondering why all these events happened to me? Why did I have to come across so much bad luck and disgusting acts in my life? Why did I have to feel embarrass? Why does ANYONE have to feel embarrass about being the victim? They are NEVER the one at fault. So why?

Can I tell my parents? Will they hate me? Will they limit my freedom because they are afraid for me? How will they react? Maybe they’ll never know?

What was going on through the minds of those who did this to me? Do they not feel any shame when they see my face now? Because I do, I feel ashamed for them.

I share these stories because I am not embarrassed of them anymore. I share them because I want other little girls and boys, women and men to know that what is going on to them is not right and that they are not alone. I want them to NOT be embarrassed of what has happened to them because it is NOT their fault.” – May 3, 2017   

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Taped Stories #4

Taped Stories #4:

I was 5 years old when I was raped. My memory of it has always been in the back of my mind, it’s hard not to always think about it. Although I don’t recall every piece of it, unconsciously blocking parts of it from my memory, I remember feeling that my childhood was taken away from me. My parents, brothers and I were renting a room at my dad’s friends house. From the time I was born, my family and I rented or stayed in places temporarily until we found an apartment. He was the son of the family we were staying at. He was in his 20’s and was asked by my parents to be my babysitter, trusting him to take care of me. How ironic is that? I never noticed the lingering gazes or the fondling or the amount of time he would keep me on his leg, bouncing me, while enjoying the view. I was a kid who never new what the word sex meant or anything intimate. I was still focused on barbies and dress-up. One day, my mother and father had to do some errands and left me in his care. At first, it felt like any other day until he led me to his room. His room was dark and had a large bed with tall headboards. I remember going, him laying me down and tying me up. My tiny arms were held by rope that was attached to the headboard. Blank. I don’t remember what happened. Blank. What was happening? Was I screaming? Blank.

I remember my parents calling for me and when they heard nothing they automatically got defensive and protective.

I remember my dad knocking on the door

I remember my dad kicking the door.

i remember seeing the light when the door opened.

Blank.

I remember going to the police station and telling them my story. They seemed too preoccupied to care about a child getting raped. They still took down my information.

Blank.

I have never asked my parents about what exactly happened to him. I do know that he is in jail. I also don’t want to bring it up to them because opening that wound will bring back all the pain to my parents, something I only wish to have for myself.

I do want to see him. I want to face him and tell that he did not break me forever. I want him to see that I am happy. I want him to pay. Although I have met others who have forgiven those who raped, abused or assaulted them, I can not. Some people may agree, some may not but it took me a very long time to come to this conclusion.

My name is Kimberly Gomez and I was raped. I say my name because it was, and still is, very hard to tell people about my story. I don’t want pity or sadness from anyone. I do want to be more open about my story because I know if I speak up, others will see it.” – April 19, 2017

Taped Stories #3

Taped Stories #3:

“I was probably 13-14 years old when it happened. I was infatuated with the boy next door and so I let myself get involved with him sexually. I trusted him and I thought he liked me the way I did for him. I thought maybe all this playing around, messing around, was a way of expressing our feelings. I was naive. I was proven wrong when it turned out that he informed about what he did with me to his friends. He never came out and told me explicitly but I knew he told his friends about me. One night, I hung out with him and his friends and his friend took me to a dark part of the backyard. I got carried away, thinking too naively and innocently. I thought this was just part of flirting, yes. But he tried to force me. When he tried to get me to kiss him and do more, I refused. He tried to force me, pushing me against the wooden fence, trying to pull my pants down. I felt his half-hard dick against my backside, I felt his overwhelming strength and I knew I was too weak to fight back physically. I was terrified and I kept refusing and whispering, “You don’t want to do this, no, please, you don’t want to do this,” but he kept saying, “I know you want this, I know you do this.” I was terrified but I couldn’t scream. That would bring attention to him and his friends, and I didn’t know if they would’ve helped. Luckily, I’m so very lucky, that he let go and didn’t force me any further. But one of the most horrifying parts of this whole thing is that I didn’t even say anything about it afterwards. I couldn’t. I never confronted him or his friends. I was just so ashamed of what happened, how I let myself get carried away, how I let him treat me like trash and pass me around to his friends.” – April 18, 2017

Taped Stories #2

Taped Stories #2:

“We lived in this place in the countryside. I had a son and he was about 9 years old. There was a man who was a photographer and he wanted to take picture of my son. I let him but I had a another son that was the age of 7 who was a talker. Eventually, the man wanted my son to dress up in suits and stuffs. I finally said no and I stopped him. That man own a store and when my son see him, he gets a bad vibe from him. I don’t know if it was but I felt something. I think I have prevented something.” – April 12, 2017 (Was shared orally and retold by me)

Taped Stories #1

Taped Stories #1:

“11 years ago my husband found out that his biological father had been drugging and sexually assaulting him, his sister and their 6 half siblings since infancy. All of this came to light due to a criminal investigation that resulted in his bio father going to jail for 60 years, virtually a life sentence as he was in his 50’s at that point. The fact that my husband doesn’t remember anything is almost a blessing in disguise, but also a curse, as it has left him with so many questions and wondering about his mother and step-mother’s involvement or knowledge. It forever changed his immediate and step family. It has been hard to watch his step-siblings become lost and in some cases self-destructive behavior has been a consequence. I found myself personally filled with anger that this person hurt my husband so deeply and violated the most precious of bonds. This anger was compounded when my husband’s mother, sister and grandmother somehow believed that he wasn’t affected as much as his sister and did not seem to care or value his feelings as much as females. I have since discovered this weird sigma/double standard with sexually abused boys and it is quite disturbing. This type of event does not have to define your, or my husband’s life, and although it may sound indifferent, I truly believe that it is not what happens to you that matters, it is how you proceed after it happens. The path to healing and accepting is in moving on in a healthy way.” – March 28, 2017

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